i am by nature not a jealous person. maybe for the fact that growing up i often was the object of jealousy from some people (not to toot my own horn by any means....but just b/c people assumed i had a lot or thought i thought i was smarter than, better than, etc...which was not the case at all. that being said, i feel that this green-eyed monster is attempting to rear its ugly head from the recesses of something gross and dark inside of me. something i presume that needs to be cut out to keep me moving forward with momentum. i never envied people for money....it's overrated, lots of trouble, and not everyone is supposed to have tons anyway...so i'm okay with that. never really envied someone smarter...i say work hard, and you get what comes. i guess it's easy for me to trust God for his provision both financially and career wise. but what really gets to me is relationships...i don't mean being jealous of my friends who are married, married with children, in love, or anything of that sort. i'm excited for everyone of them, and it's not my time for that yet. not to mention, i have nothing invested in who they are with, so two thumbs up to each of these blessed couples mentioned afore. but i dunno who is trying pull tricks on me, how in the name of mary did i end up surrounded by people who are not only incredibly nice but also incredibly good looking to the point that i am completely overlooked when i'm with them? now, this doesn't resound from some sick insecurity i've harbored against people...i've always had good-looking friends, and that's just fine. but i mean...the girls are also all tall. and i dunno...turn heads if you will. since i've started medical school it has resounded to me that indeed the male gender is largely driven by vision. yep...proof is definitely in the pudding. not that i'm saying these girls are dumb or shallow or annoying or anything at all. but every freaking guy i've met that in undergrad or high school i would have been hanging out with for coffee or concerts or movies or reading a book with at a coffee shop? yeah, they nod their heads in approval of my "excellent taste in film and literature and music" but who is my friend over there, and is she single? do they just inadvertently think i'm an advertising or referral service? that i have no emotion no feelings no blood running through my veins at all? that it isn't the least bit obvious that i'm the bridge between them and "hot" girls. britt's cool and all, let's invite her to the party so i can meet her pretty roommate and take her out on date. even though for all i know i have nothing in common with her. yep. that is one of the worst feelings in the world. to feel completely overlooked and invisble and unattractive. and not wanted and.....alone. i like classical music, i keep up with movies and have always wanted to go to a premiere. i love cd release shows and can actually follow them along. yet all of these opportunities get thrust upon people who prefer to watch america's next top model or talk obout jennifer anniston. on top of this i feel absolutely horrid to even be having these feelings. i mean i love these girls dearly. they've been nothing but thoughtful and sincere and nice. and haven't to my knowledge tried to sabotage me. and i know that they wouldn't do anything to hurt me. and i don't want to be disgusting and find myself measuring their worth on whether they know who the rapture is, or the new christopher guest movie, or who monet is....and then gloating when they don't just to make myself feel better. it's an ugly part of me. and i'm really trying to figure out how to make it all work. i know one day i'll be more than just the girl to have the interesting conversations with. i know one day there'll be some guy who'll think i'm the pretty girl and want to take me out on a date. but currently it seems so far away. | 
